From: "Jason Blevins" Date: Thu Mar 22, 2001 02:14:01 US/Pacific To: "HLML" Subject: [hudsonleick] Callisto "Picket Fences" Parody, Part 1 Reply-To: hudsonleick@yahoogroups.com This is the first part of my "Picket Fences" parody in which Goddess Callisto visits Rome, Wisconsin. The second part is almost complete. Who knows about the third part. I haven't thought of an ending yet. FADE IN: STREETS OF ROME, WISCONSIN - DAY A blue vortex opens above the street. Xena and Gabrielle fly out of the vortex and tumble onto the pavement. GABRIELLE (frightened) She's right behind us, Xena! XENA (desperate) Come on, Gabrielle! This way! Run! Xena and Gabrielle flee into an alley. Moments later, Callisto leaps from the vortex. Xena and Gabrielle are nowhere to be seen. CALLISTO (frustrated) I do NOT have TIME for this! The vortex closes. Callisto wanders down the street. CALLISTO I'm TIRED of this WILD goose chase. There has GOT to be a better WAY. Callisto pauses in front of a doorway. The inscription says, "Douglas Wambaugh, Attorney at Law". Callisto smiles wickedly. CUT TO: DOUGLAS WAMBAUGH'S OFFICE - DAY Kimberly Brock is busy doing legal research. She looks up from her work to find Callisto hovering over her. KIMBERLY (startled) Oh, you frightened me! CALLISTO (casually) I seem to have that effect on people. KIMBERLY (nervous) May I help you? CALLISTO I want a lawyer. Suddenly we hear the "Picket Fences" theme music as the opening credits play. When we return, Callisto is talking to Wambaugh. CALLISTO (sadly) She burned my family alive... WAMBAUGH (sympathetic) My gosh, that's terrible! CALLISTO (angrily) I want to make her pay! WAMBAUGH (cheerful) Ha ha, that's the spirit! I see a BIG settlement in your future! CUT TO: ROME SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY Wambaugh and Callisto stride into the busy office. WAMBAUGH (urgently) I need to see the sheriff right away! Sheriff Jimmy Brock emerges from his office. JIMMY What's going on, Wambaugh? WAMBAUGH My client wants to press CHARGES! Jimmy is momentarily transfixed by Callisto. WAMBAUGH (mischievously) Stunning, isn't she? Like a Barbie doll, but with leather! Jimmy snaps out of his trance. JIMMY Press charges? Against whom? WAMBAUGH Her name is Xena. She MURDERED my client's family, and she's LOOSE on the streets of Rome at this very moment! She also has a companion named Gabrielle. I don't think she's dangerous, but my client says she's VERY irritating. JIMMY (dubious) Is this some kind of prank, Wambaugh? WAMBAUGH (serious) Jimmy, my parents died in the Holocaust! I think I can TELL when somebody's FAMILY has been MURDERED! JIMMY Okay, okay, I'll put out an A.P.B. WAMBAUGH (suddenly cheerful) I'll give you a description. CUT TO: STREETS OF ROME, WISCONSIN - DAY Deputies Kenny Lacos and Maxine Stewart are patrolling the streets in their police cruiser. KENNY Killer nuns, frog men, transsexual teachers... Now we're supposed to be hunting for some kind of amazon warrior women? What's happening to this town? Maxine spots Xena and Gabrielle walking down the street. MAXINE (excited) That's them, Kenny! Kenny turns on the siren and screeches to a halt in front of Xena and Gabrielle. Kenny and Maxine leap from the car and draw their guns. KENNY Rome Sheriff's Department! Freeze! Xena draws her sword and pushes Gabrielle behind her. XENA Did you hear that, Gabrielle? Rome! Caesar must be behind this! GABRIELLE (dubious) This doesn't LOOK like Rome, Xena. MAXINE (gruffly) Shut up and drop the sword! KENNY (to Gabrielle) And YOU, Blondie, throw down that stick! GABRIELLE I think we'd better do what they say, Xena. MAXINE (fervently) Drop it, NOW! Xena slowly lowers her sword and tosses it on the ground. Gabrielle throws down her staff. KENNY Up against the car! You have the right to remain silent... Kenny and Maxine hustle Xena and Gabrielle against the side of the police cruiser and handcuff them. KENNY Get their weapons, Max. Maxine grabs Xena's bullwhip and shows it to Kenny. MAXINE (disgusted) Look, Kenny, she likes to WHIP people. Kenny slams Xena against the hood of the car. KENNY Leather dress, whips and chains. You are one SICK puppy, lady! MAXINE (wryly) I'm surprised you're not DATING her. Maxine grabs the chakram and shoves it in Xena's face. MAXINE (overzealously) Is THIS what you use to kill women and children?! HUH?! XENA (coolly) I don't know what you're talkin' about. KENNY Tell it to Judge Bone. Kenny and Maxine shove Xena and Gabrielle into the back of the car. CUT TO: ROME SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY Kenny and Maxine arrive with their prisoners. WAMBAUGH (surprised) You caught them already?! Who says the Rome Sheriff's Department is incompetent?! Everyone casts a disapproving look at Wambaugh. JIMMY (to Callisto) Is that them? Callisto points an accusing finger at Xena. CALLISTO She's the one! She MURDERED my family! GABRIELLE (rabidly) Don't listen to HER! She's a PSYCHO! JIMMY Lock 'em up, Kenny. KENNY My pleasure. Maxine lays the confiscated weapons on a table. MAXINE They were carrying these weapons, Jimmy. Medical Examiner Carter Pike rushes into the sheriff's office. CARTER (eagerly) I heard there was a murder! JIMMY Go home, Carter. We don't have anything yet. Carter sees the weapons on the desk. CARTER (salivating) Are these the murder weapons?! JIMMY (annoyed) I don't know, maybe. CARTER (excited) I should analyze these! A medical examiner can analyze weapons! There could be forensic evidence! I should be deputized on this one, Jimmy! JIMMY Fine, Carter, take the weapons. CARTER Thanks, Jimmy! I won't let you down! Carter awkwardly gathers the weapons in his arms and leaves. Jimmy turns to Wambaugh. JIMMY Speaking of weapons, I can't let your client walk around town wielding a sword and dagger. WAMBAUGH (offended) Are you KIDDING? My client has a constitutional RIGHT to bear arms! JIMMY (irritated) Wambaugh! Callisto voluntarily removes her sword and dagger. CALLISTO It's okay. I don't even know WHY I keep these things around. I don't really NEED them. They're just for decoration, and for FUN. FADE OUT. TO BE CONTINUED... END OF PART 1 Jason Blevins jasonjwb@vansoncomputer.com http://www.the-greys.com http://www.geocities.com/jasonjwb ============================================================================== From: "Jason Blevins" Date: Mon Apr 02, 2001 03:37:28 US/Pacific To: "HLML" Subject: [hudsonleick] Callisto "Picket Fences" Parody, Part 2 Reply-To: hudsonleick@yahoogroups.com Here's the second part of my "Picket Fences" parody. In part one, Goddess Callisto pursued Xena and Gabrielle through space and time to modern-day Rome, Wisconsin. Tired of the chase, Callisto hired Douglas Wambaugh to press charges against them. The two were arrested, and their weapons were handed over to medical examiner Carter Pike for analysis. And now, part two... FADE IN: JUDGE BONE'S COURTROOM - DAY Callisto sits with Douglas Wambaugh at the prosecution table. Xena and Gabrielle sit together at the defense table. Sheriff Jimmy Brock is present in the gallery. BAILIFF All rise! The court of Rome, Wisconsin is now in session, the honorable Judge Henry Bone presiding. Judge Bone emerges from his chambers and sits at the bench. WAMBAUGH (jovial) Douglas Wambaugh appearing for the psycho-Barbie! Callisto casts a disapproving look at Wambaugh. WAMBAUGH (whispering to Callisto) It's all right. I'm a character. JUDGE BONE Don't you normally represent the defense, Wambaugh? WAMBAUGH Yes, your honor, I'm defending this sweet, innocent girl from that vicious warlord, Xena, who likes to burn defenseless women and children alive in their own homes! GABRIELLE (indignant) Innocent?! Callisto's the most vicious warlord of them all! JUDGE BONE (rapping gavel) Order! WAMBAUGH (mischievously) Besides, look at my client! Leather bra, very SEXY! JUDGE BONE (growling) Wambaugh, shut up! WAMBAUGH (whispering to Callisto) That means he LIKES me. JUDGE BONE And who's representing the defendant? GABRIELLE I am, your honor. Judge Bone inspects Gabrielle with a critical eye as she stands there timidly in her abbreviated green top, miniskirt and knee-high boots. JUDGE BONE Young lady, do you have a license to practice law in the state of Wisconsin? GABRIELLE No, your honor. But I've defended Xena in court before. JUDGE BONE Very well. I'll allow it. But next time you might consider wearing an outfit that's more appropriate for a court of law. WAMBAUGH (to Xena and Gabrielle) You should be ashamed of yourselves! (to Judge Bone) See how disrespectful they are! Your honor, I move that you rule in favor of my client immediately! JUDGE BONE Motion denied. And YOUR client could use a change of wardrobe as well. WAMBAUGH (melodramatic) But your honor, all of my client's clothes were incinerated on that terrible day, when Xena's army came to Cirra and heartlessly burned my client's home to the ground, with her beloved mother and sister inside! JUDGE BONE (irritated) Enough! Sheriff Brock, do we actually have any EVIDENCE to back up these outrageous charges? JIMMY Carter's working on it. He said he might have something by morning. JUDGE BONE In that case, I'm calling a recess until tomorrow morning. JIMMY (standing up) Your honor, what do you want me to do with the defendants in the meantime? JUDGE BONE Well, we can't keep them locked up without any evidence. I'm releasing them on their own recognizance. JIMMY But shouldn't we keep an eye on them in case they try to flee the jurisdiction? JUDGE BONE Very well. They can stay at YOUR house. JIMMY (stunned) What?! JUDGE BONE If YOU want to keep an eye on them, you can do it at YOUR house. That's an order. Court is adjourned. Everybody, get out! Judge Bone retires to his chambers. Jimmy slowly sits back down, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. Callisto turns to Wambaugh. CALLISTO What about me? WAMBAUGH Don't worry, you can stay in my guest room. My wife, Myriam, will cook dinner. (wistfully) I'd like to apologize in advance. CUT TO: SHERIFF BROCK'S HOUSE - NIGHT Sheriff Brock's wife, Jill, is preparing dinner in the kitchen. Her young sons, Matthew and Zachary, assist her. MATTHEW I heard on the news that dad arrested two amazon warrior women this morning. JILL (amazed) Really?! MATTHEW Yeah. The meanest one is named Xena. She has a sword, a dagger, a whip and some kind of round killing thing! ZACHARY (apprehensive) What about the other one? MATTHEW They didn't say much about her, but I know that she carries a big stick. She probably uses it to beat little kids' BRAINS out! Zachary gapes in fear and disbelief. MATTHEW And the best part is, Judge Bone ordered dad to let them stay HERE! At OUR house! ZACHARY (terrified) Nuh-UH! MATTHEW It's TRUE! JILL (reassuringly) Don't pay any attention to your brother, Zachary. He's just teasing you. MATTHEW No I'm NOT! I SAW it on the NEWS! Just then, Sheriff Brock comes in the kitchen door. JIMMY What's all the excitement about? JILL (snickering) Matthew says that Judge Bone ordered you to let those amazon women stay HERE, at OUR house. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?! Jimmy sighs and looks down at the floor. JILL It IS ridiculous, isn't it?! JIMMY Well... JILL (shocked) Jimmy, no! Jimmy steps aside to reveal Xena and Gabrielle standing in the doorway. Zachary screams in terror and runs up the stairs. CUT TO: DOUGLAS WAMBAUGH'S HOUSE - NIGHT Wambaugh unlocks the front door and lets Callisto in. WAMBAUGH (sing-song voice) Honey, I'm home! And I have a little surprise for you! Wambaugh's wife, Myriam, emerges from another room and eyes Callisto suspiciously. MYRIAM Who's this? WAMBAUGH This is Callisto, my client. She'll be staying with us for a few days. MYRIAM (shocked) What?! CALLISTO Don't worry, Mrs. Wambaugh. Just the idea, the mere IDEA, of your husband touching me makes my skin crawl. MYRIAM Me too. That's probably why we haven't had SEX in YEARS. WAMBAUGH Ha ha! You're CHARACTERS! CUT TO: MATTHEW & ZACHARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT ZACHARY (urgently) I have to pee! MATTHEW Then go to the bathroom! ZACHARY (scared) But what if that killer lady is out there? MATTHEW (reasurringly) She's probably asleep by now. ZACHARY (dubious) Do you really think so? MATTHEW (annoyed) Just GO already! ZACHARY Okay, okay! Zachary slowly opens the bedroom door and carefully looks up and down the hallway. He streaks to the bathroom and locks the door behind him, only to find Xena and Gabrielle naked in the bathtub together. Zachary stands paralyzed, his back against the door, gaping at them. XENA & GABRIELLE (in unison) Get out! FADE OUT. TO BE CONTINUED... END OF PART 2 Jason Blevins http://www.the-greys.com http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/thegreysclub http://www.geocities.com/jasonjwb ============================================================================== Web site copyright (c) 2001 Kevin C. Wong, All Rights Reserved. "Xena: Warrior Princess" and some material copyright MCA/Universal. Materials copyright their respective authors. Send questions and comments to me, Kevin C. Wong (jahn@csua.berkeley.edu) This page last updated: July 4, 2001.