From: "Heresy" <heresy@voicenet.com>
Date: Mon Aug 03, 1998  09:11:36  US/Pacific
To: hudsonleick@onelist.com
Subject: [hudsonleick] CRS: Announcing a new future CRS enterprise!!
Reply-To: hudsonleick@onelist.com

From: "Heresy" <heresy@voicenet.com>

Hi all,

I've been thinking about this for a while, and have decided to go with it.
If you're one of the unlucky individuals who has talked to me on ICQ,
you'll know that I work in a pet store (not a mall pet store or one of
those chains like Petco, but an independant speciality pet store that
actually treats it's animals well), and that I own a menagerie of weird
animals at home which I never stop talking about. :)

Well, as a few of the Cirrans have more than one business, I've decided to
branch out from dental work and open a wee pet store of my own in New
Cirra. I know we have a zoo already, but you can't really touch those
animals or take them home with you.

You see, Gene told me to take up a relaxing hobby, as torturing people, er,
I mean dentistry kinda overexcites me, so my store is gonna cater for all
kinds off wierd stuff, from aquariums to terrariums to cats n' dogs. And
once it opens, I can even answer any questions you have about pet keeping,
whether it be CRS or real life. If I don't know the answer, than I'll ask
Tom, my boss where I work, as he knows practically everything. :)

The store doesn't have a name yet, but it'll sell cats, dogs, fish
(freshwater and marine), rodents, ferrets, reptiles, amphibians, and
members of Club Pain (whom you can treat as inhumanely as you please ;) ),
and all necessary equipment and supplies to keep them, at insanely low
prices too! Once I finish building the enclosures for the salt water
crocadiles and the snapping turtles, I'll announce the grand opening! :)

**
Heresy º
**
"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea-cozy, doesn't
try it on."
Billy Connolly

==============================================================================

From: "Heresy" <heresy@voicenet.com>
Date: Sun Dec 20, 1998  12:53:10  US/Pacific
To: "HLML" <hudsonleick@onelist.com>
Subject: [hudsonleick] CRS: Grand Opening of New Cirra's First Pet Store
Reply-To: hudsonleick@onelist.com

From: "Heresy" <heresy@voicenet.com>

Well, I mentioned I was gonna do this a while ago and never got any
resistance, so I resume nobody minds if I open it now...I mean I have been
building this huge store for the past year!!!

GC: Well did I gove you the OK? I mean I already have a zoo.

HE: Well, your cantankerousness, the animals in the zoo are endangered
species, but you can take my animals home with you. Care for a tour??

GC: I'd love to...

<walks arm-in-arm through the unopened store>

HE: <crack> Not so tight please!!!

GC: Oops, sorry. <Looks at baby ferret in cage> Awwwww! How cute! I could
just eat it up!

HE: Well now that you mention it, they don't taste half bad broiled. Kinda
like chicken.

GC: Wait a sec...are you the only one running this place?

HE: Of course not! IGGY!!!

<A deformed creature with sewn together body barts and peices of missing
flesh lopes around the corner>

GC: What in Tartarus happened to him?

HE: Griller dimembered him.

GC: And how did you bring him back without my help?

HE: Well...um...

GC: You've started worshipping HIM again, haven't you? <eyes flaming
brighter>

HE: That was the LAST time Goddess. I've sealed that book in concrete and
thrown it in the resrevoir.

GC: Why the reservoir?

HE: You've forgotten what else lives in there...

<walks further into the store, comes across a parrot>

GC: What kinda parrot's this?

Parrot: I'm a Timneh African Grey you stupid f%&#$@ b@#$!!!!!

HE: Erm, they're very good talkers...

GC: <eyes flaming> Oh really?

HE: He knows a lot of good jokes too...

GC: So do I -- How'd you make a parrot go woof?

HE: I dunno. How *do* you make a parrot go woof?

GC: Like this...<points at parrot> <WOOF> So what do *they* taste like
roasted???

HE: <looks at dead parrot> Well, I suppose I could nail it back on it's
perch and sell it as a Norwegian Blue...

<sometime later, they walk out of the store, with plumes of smoke coming
out the front door. The Goddess has a smile on her face.>

GC: Okay, you can open it now.

HE: But...but...I've got no animals left!!!!

GC: Well you could always pass it off as an exotic resturaunt. I declare
this store...OPEN! <burns through the ribbon at the door>


THE NEW CIRRA CUTE CUDDLY CRITTER STORE

Specializing in every bird, rodent, cat, dog, fish, reptile on the market,
and even some reject mutants from my secret laboratory, along with
supplies, including everything you need to keep that particular animal. You
can't miss it...it's the large building next to the Mall...or just follow
the animal noises. You can hear them from the other end of the town. I've
already had three death threats because of that.

Opening hours -- whenever my dental surgery is closed. If you need any
help, you'll probably find me napping somewhere on the premises. Or just
find Iggy...he doesn't sleep any more anyway.

On another note, if you have any questions about pets, aquariums,
terrariums, etc <for real> then don't hesitate to ask. :)

Now visit the store or you'll get an appointment card from my other
profession in your mailbox!!! <beg>

**
Heresy ¼
**

I don't need to send a questionnaire any more! Tell us about yourself at
the Patient Files Website
<http://psycho.simplenet.com/heresy.mv> BTW the guy in the picture is NOT
me! I'm more disfigured. <eg>

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?!"
Monty Python & the Holy Grail

==============================================================================

From: "Heresy" <heresy@voicenet.com>
Date: Tue Dec 22, 1998  08:03:57  US/Pacific
To: <hudsonleick@onelist.com>
Subject: [hudsonleick] Re: CRS: Grand Opening of New Cirra's First Pet Store
Reply-To: hudsonleick@onelist.com

From: "Heresy" <heresy@voicenet.com>

Thanks for my new pet griffin, Heresy! He's very sweet and docile, 
except for when I don't feed him on time or I get too close to his head 
or I turn on anything that whirs or a car goes by. I couldn't be 
happier.

P.S. There! If I get a postcard from you, it d**m well better be a 
Solstice card. 

<outside the New Cirra Zoo at night. Iggy and Heresy are heading towards
their new business venture carrying squirming sacks>

IG: Oook! <Translation: isn't the Goddess gonna start missing these
Griffins?>

HE: Well only take a couple more. All I can ever order from Vivisection
Inc. are regular animals, and we've got al these cool mythical beast next
door. That first Griffin was bought 5 minutes after we put it in the
display cage!

IG: Oook! <yeah, by that sucker Erin Hunt! LOL>

HE: Well, hey, if she wants an untamable vicious winged lion with the head
of an eagle, then it's *her* problem. I wonder how fast *these* guys will
sell?

<poof> <guess who?>

GC: <pointing at sacks> What's in there?

HE: Um...uhhh...HO-HO-HO Merry Christmas young lady!

GC: Young? I'm two-and-a-half thousand years old!

HE: Well you don't look a day over sixteen!

GC: Shut up with the flattery! What're in the sacks?

HE: Um...just...junk from my lab.

GC: *Moving* junk?

HE: Yeah. Experimental rejects. You wouldn't want to see them -- not too
pretty you know.

GC: So why the Santa Clause act?

HE: Well, it's Christmas.

GC: I hate Christmas!

HE: Winter Solstice then.

GC: Oooooh! I loooooove Solstice!! Whatcha get me? Huh? huh? huh?!

HE: My gift is under the big Solstice tree in the town square like all the
others, ever since you passed that law that you were the only person to be
allowed to get presents on Solstice. And I'm not telling you what it is
either.

GC: Can I shake it and guess what it is? CanIcanIhuhhuhcanIpleasecanI?!?!

HE: Nope...and no peeking either.

GC: <pout> <vanishes>


**
Heresy ¼
**

==============================================================================

From: "Erin Hunt" <gk_chesterton@hotmail.com>
Date: Sat Dec 26, 1998  11:30:47  US/Pacific
To: hudsonleick@onelist.com
Subject: [hudsonleick] Re: CRS: Grand Opening of New Cirra's First Pet Store
Reply-To: hudsonleick@onelist.com

From: "Erin Hunt" <gk_chesterton@hotmail.com>

From: "Heresy" <heresy@voicenet.com>

<outside the New Cirra Zoo at night. Iggy and Heresy are heading 
towards
their new business venture carrying squirming sacks>


She smelled the scent of hundreds of fireplace bonfires on the wind as 
she hurdled the gap between the roofs. A mad dash across the pebbly 
concrete failed to get her to the maintenance ladder running up the side 
of the Red Light District's "printing company" building before her 
quarry  pushed it away, letting it clatter to the street eight stories 
below.

She gritted her teeth, knowing he would be able to get down the fire 
escape on the other side and disappear before she could even reach the 
ground. She ran harrowingly close to the edge and saw a phone line 
dangling down the side of the building. The girl grabbed it, swung her 
legs over, closed her eyes, and slid the eternal length to the bottom. 
Pausing for just a moment to wipe her sweaty palms on her black jeans, 
she raced to the mouth of the alley on the other side of the building, 
just in time to block her prey's escape route. He hissed and ran towards 
the back of the alley, his hunter hot on his heels. His attempt to vault 
the brick wall that dead ended the alley failed, and he backed into a 
corner, baring his teeth and growling.

Erin: Oh, I cannot *believe* how much I'm going to kill you.

Vampire: Grrrr. Argh.

Erin kept the cross in her left hand extended as she withdrew a stake 
from her leather jacket with her right. A flash of light like the 
noonday sun lit up the alley for a brief moment, and Erin felt a single 
searing wave of heat blast across her back. 

E: <without even turning her head> Hi Goddess.

GC: How did you know I was here?

E: Telepathy.

GC: Oh. I'm really going to have to keep a closer eye on you, Flygirl. 
You're developing far too many mental powers for my liking.

E: <deeply tragic sigh of resignation>

GC: Drama queen.

E: Sorry.

GC: What are you up to?

E: I'm vampire slaying.

GC: I can see that, pissant. I meant why?

E: Well, Cal canceled our BoardGamefest, so I thought I'd do this for a 
while instead.

GC: <blank stare, followed by industrial strength blank stare)

E: Uh... what?

GC: <soft, girlishly icy voice> *What* are you doing with a symbol of 
another god?

E: What, you mean the cross? It repells vampires.

GC: And can you tell me, future bard, why you did not use a Flame of 
Callisto instead?

E: <dry swallow> It doesn't work, Goddess. Only crosses work.

GC: What do you mean, it doesn't work? Why would it not work?

E: Look, I'll show you.

Erin pulls her silver Flame out of her pocket and holds it out as she 
moves the cross behind her back. The vampire roars and lunges. Right 
before it reaches her, she thrusts the cross out at it, causing it to 
jump back as if it had hit a brick wall. The drooling brute cringes away 
from her. GC looks crestfallen.

GC: Huh.

E: Excuse me for one moment.

She leaps forward. Fifteen seconds of shouting and scuffling later, she 
walks back, dusting off her clothes, to find GC settled back munching 
morosely on a bag of popcorn.

E: If it helps, the Flame does work on snake haired gorgon monsters, 
harpys, satyrs, medusans, sea monsters, griffins, werewolves, 
descendants of Achidna, and their in-laws.

GC: <brightening up> That's true. Hey, you're the sucker who bought a 
griffin, aren't you? Mind if I have some fun with it?

Without waiting for an answer, she teleports them both to Erin's house. 
Thirty seconds, one smashed $10,000 entertainment center, one caved-in 
roof, and one nicely roasted bird-mammal later...

E: Merv! No!!!

GC: Merv?

E: You know, after Merv Griffin? Merv... Grif...

GC: You need help, child.

******************************

Cal: Merv???

Erin: Please, no insults. I'm fragile right now.

C: Can't you just get a new one? Heresy just stole- <visions of dental 
appointments dance in her head> uh, aquired some new ones. And no one 
else is suck- er, fan enough to buy them. 

E: No. None of them could ever replace Merv. Sure, he was a big pain in 
the butt and cost me several thousand dollars in legal fees in just one 
week of ownership, but he was... my... baby... <breaks down completely>

Cal awkwardly pats Erin on the shoulder.

C: There there.

E: The fire, the heat, the death! Flames! Everywhere! NOOOOOOO!!!

Cal silently sneaks out the front door.

Erin Hunt
Your Friendly Neighborhood Psycho-blood-goddess-of-vengeance Worshipper
Keeper of Callisto's Cool Spinning Club Move
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
My Anti-Titanic Page
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Station/5455/titanic.html

==============================================================================

Web site copyright (c) 2001 Kevin C. Wong, All Rights Reserved.
"Xena: Warrior Princess" and some material copyright MCA/Universal.
Materials copyright their respective authors.
Send questions and comments to me, Kevin C. Wong (jahn@csua.berkeley.edu)
This page last updated: June 10, 2001.