From: Callisto97@aol.com
Date: Wed Jul 07, 1999  08:35:14  US/Pacific
To: hleickables@onelist.com
Subject: [hleickables] <CRS> Winter Olympics: Bumper Cars
Reply-To: hleickables@onelist.com

From: Callisto97@aol.com

This is an example of what the Winter Olympics were like in New Cirra...this 
particular piece was written by Oddity Twin #2...Matt Peters!! And yes..Roger 
Gibson is a hopeless lush.....

~Cal
High Priestess

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HM: Hello New Cirra and Good Morning.  This is Hope McCoy and as
always, up in the nice warm control booth is Roger Gibson.

 RG: Hello everyone. <muffled talking in background.  Viewers can make
out laughter and the "tink" of glasses> It's not all laughter and wine
up in the booth, Hope.  We have to--

 HM: Our next event is the Finals for the Bumpercar event.  The throng
of people gathered outside the Cirraland bumper car ride, teeth
chattering and flags waving, are filled with hope--

 RG:<slurring speech> Holy Cow! I wouldn't mind being filled with Hope,
har har har.

 HM: <blank stare>...that their team pulls ahead early and avoids having
their cars bashed in.  As our teams enter the rink, Team Callisto in the
blue cars with lightning on the side.  Not painted on lightning mind
you.  Lightning.  Team Hudson in the deep red, almost blue-red ones   As
a side note, Goddess Callisto wanted the red ones,  but as usual, in a
benevolent mood, let Matt go register the car assignments, and Matt as
we all know, has a soft spot for the Goddess and thinks she looks nice
in blue.  Anyway, in the gold cars is Team Cheerios and rounding out the
teams is Law and Religion in the orange colored cars.

 [Camera pans the arena, the teams climb into their cars and Goddess
Callisto raises her hand, lightning arcs to the ceiling, bringing the
cars to life.  Well, not to *life* but they start up.]

 HM: The bumper car arena is set up in a circle with a raised area here
in the center, where I'm standing. The cars take one lap wittershins
(counter clockwise) to pace themselves before bashing into each other.

 [near the end of the "pace" lap, Matt turns to Sherry and waves his
hands in a mix of semifore and ASL (Amer. Sign Lang)]

 Sherry: Okie doke <cranks steeringwheel to th eleft as far as it will
go, making her go in reverse>

 ***BASH***

 Leicky: Hey!  No fair!

 GC: Bard! On your Six!

 Behind her came Autumn, giving a glancing blow to the Mayor/Bard/Remote
Control, spinning the Oddity Twin into the side wall.

 MM: Mental note, Autumn gets audited this year.

 Dingane: Stop it! We have to concentrate on the event you guys!

 Samantha: I swear, I heard he has gills.

 Mad: No way, he evolved away from the gills, now he's becoming more
beast like, that's why he's covered in hair.

 Stephen: Come on, like there's a logical explanation for Kevin Smith's
hair dickie?

 Leicky: <her car has since careened into a corner and she can't
maneuver out of it> Kevin...?

 Debbie: So like I was saying, <***BASH***> the real scoop is that due
to inner ear problems she has to wear special iron shoes for balance.

 Sherry <**BASH**bump bump**> Pandora? Really?

 Debbie: You didn't hear it form me.

 GC: <abandons her car and leaps onto Melissa's> Hi Bard.  I'm taking
shotgun

 MM: <this is not a good thing>

 GC: Watch out, you're gonna hit Hudson!

 [Cool scene where Wesser slides in between Melissa's car and Hudson's.
There was a reason that he was her favorite.]

 Debbie: --ser has plastic sheets.

 HM: We see varied methods of atack her in the bumper car event.  Where
GC shoots out cars with lightning, and Matt deploys his patented "spin"
move where his never ending spiral course
 hits everything in his path, Cal deploys the "friendly fire method"
where she takes her foot off the pedal and lets Mich (who for some
reason is always behind her) bash into her, forcing her into Michael
Rudy, who, race car maven that he is, has been doing a pretty  good job
of avoiding collisions.

 Nick: Ok, so like I was saying, I says to her "That's not a bagpipe but
don't stop blowing!"

 Seraphix: I don't get it? Where does Wade Boggs fit into the joke?

 Leicky: Wade Boggs who? <still stuck in corner> **bump bump bumbp**

 HM: By now, Matt's car has been disabled by a massive blow by Pandora--

 Debbie: --sleeps in footie pajamas.  Has a picture of Andre the Giant
on them.

 HM: and due to a masterful stroke by Wesser and frequent use of a super
soaker, the Mayor/Bard/Callisto car has been shorted out.

 Debbie: --doesn't wash his hands.

 HM: in the final seconds of the game, it was clear that due to Chief
Jeff's frequent use of his "cop's beat stick" and a pair of fuzzy hand
cuffs <::blush::> his car was the least damaged, and
 being that when the final buzzer sounded, Team Law and Religion had
the  most cars on the rink: Jeff's, Cal's and Autumn, and declared the
gold metal winners.

 [camera full shot of a jubilant Team L&R]

 HM: Silver goes to team Hudson with Rudy and Hudson the only two left
from their team. Hudson, it should be noted took out the most cars,
besting even Goddess Callisto.

 [camera full shot of Hudson lifting Michael up over her head--
adrenalin rush we figure]

 HM: Bronze goes to Team Cheerios which was secured by Leicky, stuck in
a corner.  It was either a brilliant ploy on her part, or in the
madness  they forgot to beat the tartarus out of the kid who is stuck.
Rule numero uno in bumper car rules.

 RG:<by now totally pissed> You know Hope, I've had my eye on that
Leicky girl for a few *hic* for some time now.  Think I got a shot?

 HM: <fights back urge to say something about his chances in a monkey
whorehouse with pants full of bananas> ...uh, sure. Go for it. <looks
off camera to Autumn> hey there, you Gold Metal Doll, you, what'cha
doing after the game?

==============================================================================

From: Callisto97@aol.com
Date: Wed Jul 07, 1999  08:39:38  US/Pacific
To: hleickables@onelist.com
Subject: [hleickables] <CRS> Winter Olympics: Pairs Figure Skating
Reply-To: hleickables@onelist.com

From: Callisto97@aol.com

Another gem by Matt Peters - OddityTwin2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Event: Figure Skating - pairs

Dear Goddess, will this nightmare that is figure skating never end?!

GC:  Shut up pissant.

Oh.
=========================

As with all pairs skating competitions in Cirra this one began with the
women of team Callisto bickering over who would get stuck...er we mean
who would have the privilege of...oh who are we kidding we meant STUCK,
staking with matt.

Debbie: ok the short straw loses.

Sherry: NO!  Ink a dink.

MM: one potato, two potato.

GC: For the love of me!  You people are impossible. <grabs Melissa's
hand and jerks her out onto the ice>

MM:  I think you are missing the point Goddess.  In pairs skating we
need...

GC:  shut up and skate. <flings Melissa spinning across the rink>

MM: AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

GC: <speed skates in front of the bard, narrowly catching her before she
crashed into the wall.  It wasn't Mel's health that concerned Callisto,
but rather a huge point deduction>

MM: <turning greenish> Goddess, I don't fe....

GC: <picks Melissa up and twirls her above her head>

MM: <swallowing hard> Goddess please.  I really...

GC: <sets Melissa down, spins her out to arms length and snaps her back
in>

MM: <pukes all over Callisto>

Time stopped, quite literally we are afraid.

It would take Trancer, two fire fighters, and a Zamboni driver named
Fred 45 minutes to clean up the mess that was once Melissa, Mayor of
Cirra, Bard to the Goddess Callisto, and one heck of a remote control.
Tho we are no longer so sure about the last one what with her fingers
being tied into pretzels like that.

Score: default
=========================
Being as they were already on the ice Trancer and the firefighter skated
for the medical team.  Never ones to waste precious time, they
incorporated the bardic clean-up right into their act.  It was a
gruesome, yet artistic, display.  Or maybe that should be artistic, yet
gruesome...which ever, the point was it was really yucky but cool.

Score: 9.32
=========================
Hudson and Wesser took the ice for Team Hudson.  They skated out to the
middle and took hands.  Wesser passed out flat.  Michael, ever the
sporting type, stepped up for his fallen team mate.  Hudson grabbed his
hand, and Michael passed out flat.  Mich we are afraid succumbed to the
same fate.

Pandora: Sweet Mother of Velasca!  What's wrong with you people? <steps
onto the rink>

Having commandeered the Zamboni, Callisto only ran over Pandora 3
times....before she made it to the center of the ice.   After that
things got ugly.

Score: 4.32
==========================
Judge Terror and Cal took the ice for Team Law and Religion.  Both took
turns trying to fling the other in the pathway of the oncoming Zamboni.
Hey war is Tartarus....er, we mean the Olympics aren't the time for
loyalty in Cirra, it's every citizen for themselves.

For the record, Goddess ran Îem both down...and then backed over
them....twice.

Score: 4.55
===========================
The entire team took the ice for the Warriors.  Their logic...if you
could call it that...Callisto won't be able to get us all.  LOL, LMAO
even.    She did and then some.

Score: default
============================
Geekgrrl and Darth Skeye took the ice for team Bard.  Well ok,
technically they were pushed onto the ice...but the remainder of their
teammates deny all knowledge.  Once out there they looked like, well
like two bards caught in the head lights of a Zamboni.  But not for long
they didn't.  In no time flat they began to resemble two bards crushed
under a Zamboni.  Team Callisto denies all knowledge.

Score: default
============================
Following the Macarena incident Stephen was ban from all skating
competition.  However due to the introduction of the Goddess powered
Zamboni into the event, Callisto made an exception. And Stephan and
Leicky took the ice for team Cheerios.  They were surprisingly spry
those Cheerios and actually managed to out maneuver the Goddess three
times before she clipped Stephens skate.  Somehow Leicky managed to
remain on her feet.  She was stuck to the front of the Zamboni, but
still ya got to hand it to the girl she remained up right.  Bravo.

Score: 8.34
=============================
Team Politicians and other Rouges having no female members were forced
to default.  However, they did attempt to convince the judges that
Autolycus was in fact just a shell for the spirit of Xena.  But alas it
was to no avail.  Everybody knew the Destroyer of Nations couldn't skate
to save her life.  Callisto pummeled Autolycus, just to be safe.  Then
she took out Tevin when he mentioned that she herself had skated with
Melissa.   And just for the heck of it she blasted Jox, Griller, and
Rugal.

Score: default
==============================
As usual the outlaws were unable to make it to the skating rink on time,
you know what with their feet being glued to the ground like that.
....of all the freak accidents. <hands stuffed firmly in pockets,
wandering away whistling>
==============================

Results:
Gold: Medical Team
Silver: Cheerios
Bronze: Law and Religion

==============================================================================

From: Callisto97@aol.com
Date: Wed Jul 07, 1999  08:46:15  US/Pacific
To: hleickables@onelist.com
Subject: [hleickables] <CRS> Winter Olympics: Trivial Pursuit
Reply-To: hleickables@onelist.com

From: Callisto97@aol.com

Ok, I think this is enough CRSing for today, although the Who's Who and What 
The Heck Is It lists will follow for reference. If you saw any names you 
don't recognize, and I'm sure a few of you did, use the Who's Who list and 
look them up..everybody's there...well, except for the newest updates 'cause 
I'm still trying to pack for college. Anyway, here's the Trivial Pursuit 
Match in the Winter Olympics, written by Stephen Meeker.

~Cal
High Priestess
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<play nifty Olympic Fanfare on that weird bagpipe thing they play at the
beginning of XWP episodes>

HM: Welcome back to the Winter Olympics in Cirra, at the Callistoplex Arena!
I'm Hope McCoy, and this useless lump of maggot-ridden flesh is Roger Gibson.

RG: Welcome <hic> to the Summer Molypics. I'm Hope Gisbon, and I'm Roger
Mccoy. <hic>

HM: Please call the station. If we work together, we can get this wretched
lush canned!

RG: I'm not as think as you drunk I am! <hic>

HM: <gives Roger her best "go-to-Tartarus" look> Today's event promises to
be a doozie! The feared Trivial Pursuit match! For those of you unfamiliar
with the sport, each team rolls a dice to see how many spaces they move. The
colored tile they land on determines what category of questions they will
recieve. Each correct question per category earns that team a colored wedge.
First team to collect six wedges wins!

RG: Is Tara Lipinski here? She's cute.

HM: Why me? Reading the questions for this event will be our special guest:
John Tesh!
<Scream of panic ripples through arena at the mention of The Accursed One's
name>
Let's check in with the teams!

<Shot of Team Callisto's pre-game pep talk>
GC: Don't worry if you miss a question. You'll only do it once.
Matt, Melissa, Debbie, and Sherry: Ulp!

<Team Cheerios>
Dingane: We need to practice, people! What's the capital of Bolivia?

Leicky: Ooh! Did you all hear about that guy in Bolivia who got his legs
eaten by a pack of dingos?

Samantha: They don't even have dingos in Bolivia!

Stephen: Aren't Bolivians those blue guys with the ridge down the middle of
their face on STAR TREK?

Mad Catter: Those are Bolians.

Stephen: Oh. 

HM: Here comes John Tesh!

JT: Welcome to the Trivial Pursuit competion! Before I get things started, I
thought I'd play a little number from my CD Avalon! <Huge explosion from off
camera>

GC: Oops, was that your piano, sweetie? Sorry!

JT: <wipes tear from eye at the loss of such a beautiful piano> Well then,
let's get started. Team Warriors will begin.

Jake: Bengali! Roll the dice!

Bengali: Lay off! You want me to tell them about the pictures of Jennifer
Aniston's body with Hudson's head on 'em?

Jake: <turns a shade of red not naturally occuring in nature> A four!
Entertainment!

<JT: What multi-talented, young crooner put two albums on the top-10 jazz
charts in 1990?>

Erin: It's Harry Connick, Jr.!

Bello: No it's not! It's Barry Manilow!

Erin: <Takes a swing at Bello>

<Scene edited for length. The fight went on for nearly an hour, until Acean
"accidently" tripped Bello, allowing Erin to hog-tie him>

Erin: Like I said, it's Harry Connick, Jr.!

<JT: Correct. Team Warrior recieves a wedge. Next is Team Hudson.>

HL: <blows on dice for luck> Come on! Momma needs a medal! <sees the look
Pandora and Mich are giving her> What? It worked in Vegas! A three! Wild
Card. Ugh.

<JT: What type of food containers did cowboys call "airtights"?>

Wesser: Huh? Airtights?

Mich: Did cowboys have Ziploc bags?

Pandora: No.

Hudson: Is it cans?

<JT: Correct. Team Hudson gets a wedge. Next is Team Politicians.>

<awkward pause>

Rugal: Autolycus, give me the dice.

Aut: Hmm.. Oh! How did these get into my pocket? Must be magic. Here ya go!

Joxer Jr.: Ack! Not Sports and Leisure!


<JT: What number did the starting quarterback wear for every winning Super
Bowl team from 1972 to 1980?>

Rugal: Football? I'm French! Don't look at me!

Griller: I'm in Guatemala! Like I know this stuff!

Tevin: All right. Here goes. 7?
Autolycus: No, it's Pi!

<JT: No, you're both wrong. It's twelve. Next is Team Callisto!>

MP: PleasenotSportsPleasenotsports! CRAP! Sports!

GC: Language! <lightning crackles>

MP: Sorry, Goddess.

<JT: How many total runs did the LA Dodgers score in the last three games of
the 1966 World Series?>

GC: <blank stare>
MM: <blank stare>
MP: <blank stare>
Sherry: <blank stare>
Debbie: <blank stare>

GC: This is unfair! I want a new question! <Blasts John Tesh out of existance>

Everyone except GC: <blank stare>

Solar Macharius: Now what?

Judge Tartan: Says right here in the rules that in the event of a goddess
vaporizing the question-reader, the medals will be determined by a Ouija 
board.

GC: Weegie?
MM: No, ouija.
GC: Yeah.

<After 45 minutes of 46 people all trying to get their hands on the little
ouija sliding thing, and many shouts of "You're moving it!", "You smell
terrible!", and "Get your hand off my butt!", the athlete's finally got the
results.>

Team Outlaws: Gold
Team Medical: Silver
Team Politicians and Rogues: Bronze
Team Hudson: Aluminum
Team Warriors: Plastic
Team Callisto: Concrete
Team Basically Bards: Chocolate
Team Cheerios: Tungsten
Team Law and Religion: Paper

The ouija board's explanation on 9 medals: "Everyone goes home happy this 
way!"

Hope McCoy: It should be noted that John Tesh suffered only minor
third-degree burns on 75% of his body, and is expected, if not hoped, to die
before the week is over. If only the same would happen to Roger... <toys
with matches>

Roger: Don't look at me like that Hope! You're scaring me!

==============================================================================

Web site copyright (c) 2001 Kevin C. Wong, All Rights Reserved.
"Xena: Warrior Princess" and some material copyright MCA/Universal.
Materials copyright their respective authors.
Send questions and comments to me, Kevin C. Wong (jahn@csua.berkeley.edu)
This page last updated: July 3, 2001.