From: smeeker@cswnet.com (Stephen Meeker)
Date: Fri May 29, 1998  11:31:31  US/Pacific
To: hudson-leick@hera.ecs.csus.edu
Subject: <CRS> TV Premier: Cirra-lon 5

Cast of Characters:

GC: Commander Susan Callistova
Ares: Captain Ares
Dr. Heresy: Dr. Heresy
Gabrielle (from Fins, Femmes, and Gems): Gabrie-lenn the Minbari
Salmoneus: SaLondo Mollarius the Centauri
Joxer: Jox'Kar the Narn
Stephen: Vir Cottage-Cheese the Centauri


Ares: It was the dawn of the Third Age of Mankind...

GC: Do you ever shut up? <zaps Ares, setting fire to his chest hair>

Ares: Crap! This was not in the contract! I'm outta here! <vanishes>

GC: It was a funky, rotating village built out of straw, stone, and a
billion tons of    steel. It was Ancient Greece's last, best hope for...
something. The year was 2258 BC, or maybe 1998 AD. The place was Cirra-lon 5!

<Roll credits>

Salmoneus: <sporting poofed-out Londo-like hair> Commander Callistova! Where
has Captain Sheridan gone?

GC: What happened to your head?

Sal: I am a Centauri. We all have-

GC: You're no Centauri. They have horse legs. No, truthfully, what happened
to your hair?
Was it that creepy Herbal Essence shampoo? Those commericials make me sick!

Sal: NO! I am a Centauri! We all have funky poofy hair. Where is the captain?

GC: I set him on fire during the credits. Let me fix your hair. <re-enacts
the hair brushing scene from Maternal Instincts, but with her foot on his chest>

Stephen: <rounds corner, also sporting poofed-out hair> Ambassador!
Commander! What's going on?

GC: You used the shampoo, too, didn't you? Let me help you out. <stands off
of Sal, stepping on his face by accident>

S: Yipe! Wait! Commander! HELP!

GC: <flying tackle>

S: <pinned to floor> Ow! That pulls! Stop it! Owie!

Gabrielle: <sporting the original Delenn bone ridge and baldness, but still
wearing the BGSB> My HAIR! Where did my hair go?

GC: That's it! <whips out communications device> This is an order! I want
all of that creepy Herbal Essence shampoo rounded up and sent to Amphipolis.

Heresy: Aye, Commander, but why?

GC: You're a doctor! Can't you see the damage it's done! Look at Poofie and
Other Poofie here. <drags Sal and Stephen into picture> And look at Baldie here!

Gab: Even bald, I am beautiful! I am perfection! All women should hope to be
as bald and fabulous as I am!

GC: <Blank stare>

Heresy: Whatever, Commander Callistova. There won't be a decent head of hair
left in Amphipolis when we're done.

Joxer: <runs around corner and slams into Gabrielle> My deepest apologies,
Gabby. What happened to your hair?

Gab: <draws ancient Minbari weapon that looks strangely similar to a
Gabwhacker> I'm BEAUTIFUL! Just because I'm bald and have a lumpy thing on
my head...! <smacks Jox'Kar>

Jox: Ow! <loses conciousness>

GC: Great! He used the shampoo, and now he looks like a lizard wearing a
hubcap! <com device again> Heresy!

Heresy: Yes, Commander? 

GC: Never let anyone bring any of that shampoo aboard the station again.
Anyone who tries, let me play with them. <BEG>

Heresy: Can I remove a few teeth from the people in the brig? I'm getting
out of practice.

GC: Sure. Have fun. Callistova out.

Sal: Commander, what is this Herbal Essences you spoke of?

GC: It's the shampoo that ruined your hair-do.

Sal: I don't use that kind. I always use Pantene Pro-V to keep my hair silky
and poofed.

Gab: <searching under the chair for where her hair might have gone> Come to
Mommy! Oh, my pretty hair! <starts crying>

GC: Okay, it's not the shampoo. You just have bad hair, right?

Stephen: Right. I had bad hair. Until you tore it all out with that brush.

GC: This old thing? <holds up brush, which is a chuck of a tree branch with
nails sticking out at all directions> 

Joxer: <regaining conciousness> Jumped by a thousand of the Shadows! Where am I?

GC: Did you use Herbal Essences shampoo?

Joxer: <mumble>

GC: What did you say, lizard-guy?

Joxer: Yes! Those women on the commercial were... you know... having so much
fun, I thought that maybe... you know.

GC: Sicko! <toasts him>

<fade to exterior shot, showing the station sitting on the ground next to
the Temple.>

GC: I guess building the space station on the ground means we won't be
getting too many actual encounters with alien races. But I got to fix your
hair! Aren't you grateful?

Sal and Stephen: Urk! <faint from the pain and loss of blood>

GC: All's well that ends well, I suppose!

                                THE END

Stephen
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Glory Hallelujah."-Callisto in Sacrifice II.


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This page last updated: June 10, 2001.