When I was in high school and on the chess team, I started getting these anxiety attacks before and during matches. Well, it wasn't that bad; me like a bad case of nerves. Since then, I sometimes get nervous when I play a game with a relative stranger. I bring this up because a lot of people get very competitive and put a lot of pressure on themselves to win a supposedly "fun" game.

I've stopped getting hyped up about winning games. Nowadays I can enjoy the game whether I win or lose, and I still play a pretty competitive game. I've come to realize that for me, winning is not that important, at least when playing with other people. Playing against a computer I want to win, but when I play with people, I don't care as much.

What I want to see is everybody enjoying the time spent in the game; talking, socializing, and generally using the game as a way to get to know each other more and to interact with other people. I'm happy to see everyone else have fun, and that's enough for me.

It's taken me years to get to this point with my group of friends. If there's an expectation that I play all out to win, then I'll get nervous. But through years of playing well, but within my game and not doing certain things I'm uncomfortable doing, my friends have adjusted to my playing style, like I've adjusted to theirs.

So now they know that I'll do certain things and not other things. I'll try to win in my own way, and I don't mind losing to my friends. And maybe some of the answers lie there. I'm not afraid of making a fool of myself or of being a complete loser with my friends, at least in terms of gameplaying.

Once you're comfortable with someone, you stop worrying about how you look in their eyes and start being yourself. Geez, I'm trying to talk about competition and here I am being all sappy. The saying goes that it's how you play the game that counts. I guess that's close enough. I'd say it's more like how much fun the whole group has that's important.

You know what I miss, late night boardgame sessions. There was a period of about a semester or two when after the Friday Ars Magica game, Eric, Shannon, Dave Woo, and I would stay after to play games until the sun came up. Dave Woo and I would be so wasted by then and we'd walk home together for a while, looking at the morning people getting ready for Saturday business.

I'd stagger home at 6 or 7 and go to sleep. Get a few hours before I had to leave for the Saturday games on campus. It was a special time, and some good memories. Not something that I can really do now. I've just gotten too old, and we don't have the right mix of people at the Friday games. Not enough time, not enough willingness, not enough energy. We're different people. Oh, well. Shouldn't dwell on the past.