There is a certain amount of work that I can push myself to do. But frankly, it is not that high. I can put in ten or twelve hours or maybe longer, but then the next day I'm pretty brain dead and not in the mood to continue working. We can take Friday night as a case in point. I need to be able to show something to my boss this Monday, to prove that I'm actually getting somewhere on this cursed project. So I spent Friday working and hacking away at it. Finally getting it to mostly work, although without the critical database routines in place. But I was happy at the end of the day that there were only a couple of things left to do to bring it to a credible point. And I got home at 23:00 or 23:30, feeling quite good about myself.

Now, the first I do when I get home is set up my notebook computer. Then I turn on the television and see what my VCRs managed to tape. Usually I already have something in mind for dinner so I cook and watch my recorded tapes. Generally relaxing and not thinking about anything. And if I'm not careful next thing I know it'll be 04:00 (or in this case 05:00) as I finish watching me tapes. There are other things I do as I watch tv. Read Usenet, catch up on e-mail, read some other things, work on my journal. Good thing I have a to-do list to keep me focused since at that time of night I'm not running on all cylinders.

Once in a while Dave comes over with his dog Murray (pronounce Moh-rai). It's a black something that I can't remember. Some sort of dog that herds animals and is generally quite friendly. If I'm watching something good Dave will watch it with me, and admittedly perhaps I don't encourage him to go back to his wife who's waiting for him to get back home. But usually we watch a bit of tv and talk, then sometimes I'll join him in walking that four-legged thing. This is the time when we have about 20 minutes to talk about what's going on in our lives, although really I let him do most of the talking. There's just not that much I have to say.

I certainly look forward to these talks. There's a bit of admiration I have for Dave. Whether true or not, I have this opinion of him being much more of the responsible type. Someone who has accomplished a lot and who is a good human being. There are times when he gets really annoying with some of his recurring jokes, but he's ethical and a stout friend. I see a lot of things that I strive to be and yet somehow -- well not somehow, I know how, I don't have the moral fortitude -- I fail to be that person.

This is the point where you can think that I'm wallowing in self-pity as I some- times do. There are a lot of things that I do superficially right, but I don't really mean it. And that does show at times, turning my actions from altruistic deeds to rather self-aggrandizing sort of attention-getting ploys. I know that I have these failings, and it does disappoint me at times. Which makes me do certain things that are either very good or very bad, but in either case rather flashy and maybe a bit self-destructive.

I believe in the rest of humanity. I have to, as I don't think I could face the day if everyone else was as messed-up as me. At the very least I can say that I'm contributing to society and the species by being a useful cog in our economy and whole gestalt. There are times that I can genuinely fool myself into being happy to see that other people are happy. That no matter what is happening in my life, there are people who deserve their good fortune and the blessings they have. And if I tell myself often enough, I can convince myself to be glad for them...

Yesh, that was a lot of crap I just wrote. Oh, well. It does make me feel a bit better to write this down. Although I don't know what I'll think of this when I read this years from now.